When Letting Go Is Hard To Do
When people have trouble trying to deal with the end of a relationship, there are many things that seem to keep them holding on; the loss of love, the emptiness that often follows the loss of love, the fear of leaving behind what is familiar to us, the fear of being alone, and perhaps the deepest and most troublesome of all, the fear of not being enough.
What causes us so much pain when we find ourselves facing the end of relationships? Most of us can rationalize that this is not the end; in fact there is always the possibility that it could actually be a whole new beginning. We may even be able to clearly see and understand that the relationship might not have been as good as it could be, that it may have been doing us more harm than good or that in some cases, it may have even been somewhat toxic.
In many cases, especially if we are not the ones who instigated the breakup, we might find ourselves questioning why we are being let go or what is it about us that makes them feel that they have to leave. So often we end up spending our time worrying, analyzing and feeling inadequate because the relationship didn't work out - we may lose weeks, months or even years trying to make sense of it all.
There's nothing wrong with taking some time to reflect on the past. There may be valuable lessons we are meant to learn, truths we are meant to uncover, and progressing through different relationships can teach us how to know what it is that we want and don't want in our lives. Sometimes, we may have to come to grips with the fact that some people just aren't on the same page that we are, or they don't want the same things we want - and that is perfectly okay. It doesn't mean that we are less than or that we are not enough, it just means that that individual is not finding fulfillment or satisfaction in the relationship and they have chosen to end it as a result.
The thing that makes us suffer most is the meaning that we attach to the end of relationship. If we make the assumption that, because this person is choosing to leave, that means that I am in some way inadequate, then that meaning is going to cause us an incredible amount of pain. Once we take on that story or belief, our brains will be forced to come up with all kinds of reasons to substantiate or support that belief. As soon as we tell ourselves that this happened because we are inadequate, we are actually forcing our brains to respond in kind.
The brain is a powerful and intelligent tool - but ultimately it is controlled by the way that we choose to think. Believing that you are not enough may allow you to connect with yourself for a brief period of time; it may even allow you to experience a bit of significance by seeing yourself as a victim, but in the end, it causes you to become bitter, resentful and disempowered. The important thing to realize in all this is that you are making a choice - the choice to remain powerless, victimized and discarded. By choosing to believe that you are not enough, you are suggesting that someone, other than yourself, has the ability to determine your value. Would you really want to give someone else that kind of power?
The reason why breakups cause so much pain for so many people is that we allow the situation to make us believe (or confirm our existing belief) that we are not enough, and as a result, we end up believing that we will not be loved. But here is the universal truth that we must all eventually come to accept if we are to find true happiness - we are all enough. We are all capable, worthy and deserving of love. One person's decision or even several people's decision not to be with us does not change that truth - nor should you ever allow it to convince you otherwise.
The whole purpose behind relationships is to allow us to have connection and share love with other human beings. It is in our nature to love and to want to experience that love as often and as much as possible. When we make up stories that relate anything other than the truth of our inherent value, we get into all kinds of trouble and sometimes, it even causes us to shut down and turn away from love. This kind of thinking doesn't increase our happiness, however, it just allows us to develop the false perception that we are capable of protecting ourselves from pain. And, as we all know, pain is an inevitable and essential part of our lives.
In the end, it isn't really the person that you are with that determines your ability to experience love and connection or self-worth on a regular basis. It is the relationship that you have with yourself that matters most. We respond to life's events differently when we have an internal flame that cannot be extinguished. We experience love more fully and more often when we are at peace with ourselves. When we can overcome the loss of relationship with someone we have loved by giving ourselves what we believe the relationship was giving us, then we learn that we are capable of experiencing love any time we want.
When someone in your life determines that they no longer want to share your physical space - free yourself by allowing yourself to let them go. The quality of your life or your value will not be diminished because they chose to leave. Do not fear the uncertainty of the unknown. Embrace the opportunity to further explore what life might have in store for you. You have no idea what is possible or what is intended for you. Do yourself a favour and quit wasting your valuable time analyzing what happened or where things went wrong. Remind yourself that each one of us is at the mercy of the universe. Just because you don't have control over it doesn't mean that it isn't what is best for you - even if it isn't what you wanted.
Life, in itself, is full of mystery and suspense. Every moment you spend agonizing over the loss of relationship, or victimizing yourself because someone has chosen to leave, is a moment that could have been spent focusing on yourself and your future. Grieve if you must, but never allow yourself to believe that you are in any way unworthy or inadequate. Empower yourself by taking ownership of the lessons you were meant to learn and choose to use that information to build a brighter future for yourself and those you love.
Find ways to enhance and improve your self worth and get to know yourself better than you ever did before. Once you become familiar with your most authentic and most powerful self, you will forget about trying to mould yourself into some idealistic version of what you believe someone else may want. Stay focused on the person that YOU want to become, because you are the one who will be with you until the end. In the end, what will be most important for you was that you became the person you always wanted to be.
If you would like some help with crafting a vision for your life or eradicating your limiting beliefs, please contact me to find out how you can take advantage of my complimentary, one-on-one, Coaching Consultation Session. This free session can help you get to the core of your deepest desires and give you the opportunity to create a powerful and impactful purpose driven plan for 2017!
About the author
Tamara Dodgson is a Certified Strategic Intervention Coach and Life Strategist, trained by Robbins Madanes. She has spent the better part of a half century studying, researching and learning about personal growth and development, self-help, spirituality, leadership, success, achievement and philosophy. She is a writer, speaker, philosopher, life coach, mother, fitness enthusiast, nature lover, book fanatic and divine being of infinite possibilities. She is also the proud author of "Designing Your Life - A Guide to Help You Consciously Create Your Future" and has recently released a new educational program called "2017 - Your Year of Transformation." You can connect with her on Facebook at Forward Coaching & Consulting Services, on her website at www.tamaradodgson.com, or via email at firstname.lastname@example.org.